1/18/2012 Wed 1802. Days Without Wife: 102
Thought I should post today and say I am not killing myself. There’s no way. It’d be selfish and wrong. I’m not doing it. Even if I wanted to do it I’m too much of a coward to go through with it.
Tried to do it in August, the first time Carlos fired me. I checked into a Kapaa motel, picked up a large, expensive, “last” meal at Kauai Pasta, bought a 12-pack of MGD & a bottle of Jack D, and then tried to get drunk enough to get the nerve to take myself out with my K-Bar knife in a warm bath.
Couldn’t do it.
Plus, I’ve had some relief lately from the depression. I think that I first noticed it Sunday night, and then when I woke up Monday morning I found that, yes, I was feeling better. Praise God! I give all the glory to Him, because who else can I give it to? Myself? Please! I’m such a whiner.
I suppose everyone sees now what kind of Christian I am. When things are bad, I complain and rail against God, experiencing painful crises of faith, and when things are good, I speak of glory to His name. Spiritually, I am immature. I admit it, though. That’s better than I can say for some people.
Been trying to contact Carlos to obtain the $1,700 he owes me. He’s dodging me, of course. I also found out that he’s been telling other business owners in Ching Young Village that I’m a psycho who he had to fire for threatening to kill one of his other employees. I mean, sure, that’s pretty much true, but that doesn’t mean he has to tell everyone. I thought he was my friend. I’m probably going to be a dishwasher in this area for years to come–these people he’s mouthing off to are my potential employers.
I realized the other day that this spring will bring us to 5 Years Until the Westfield H.S. Class of 1997 reunion. Pretty depressing. You know how in the movies, the guy that’s a loser in h.s. ends up doing well, and then the popular kids end up somewhere lame or whatever? That doesn’t seem to have happened here. Not that I keep up with other people from the Class too much. I do feel like I was a loser (loner) in high school and I’m a loser now.
I remember one time in Austin I bumped into Megan Bines and Amanda Suey at Firehouse–I believe it was about 2006. Megan was nice enough to me but Amanda was the same old bitch. As far as I know, both of these women have married and Megan at least has had kids. I think Amanda has some great advertising career, too. I know she was working at GSD&M for awhile.
Easton and I will be tackling the Powerline Trail tomorrow. 13 miles. The guidebook says that if the weather is good and one is in good physical shape, one can hike it in 1 day. I’m pretty stoked about it.
