1/14/2012 Sat 1020. Days Without Wife: 98
I haven’t put a lot of thought into what’s going to happen to me after I die. I suppose I should if I’m going to consider suicide as a remedy to my illness.
I believe that the idea that first existed for me was that those who commit suicide go to Hell. I have no idea where the idea came from. I don’t know if I heard my mother and/or other adults talking about this belief, or if it’s something that was preached to me, or what. The notion has for me the vague quality of inherited knowledge, as if genetically passed on. A memory of a memory.
I’m a Christian. I’ve been going to Protestant churches, off and on, all my life. The first church that I remember attending was Zion Presbyterian, in Columbia, TN. My mother used to take us there. I was probably 6 or 7 when I was first taken there.
“Suicide leads to damnation.” Do preachers still preach this? Did they ever? I wonder what Matt Cassidy would have to say on the subject. It would not surprise me if the congregation at Grace Covenant Church was a congregation that believed that those who kill themselves are damned. That would be consistent w/ the things I saw and heard there. In all fairness, though, I don’t remember hearing the subject talked about during the brief period I attended worship services and Sunday School classes there.
During high school and then during my 6 years of active duty, I attended church regularly. It was during this time, I believe, that I heard a sermon dealing with the subject. I don’t remember who the pastor was, but the guy preached that when you accept Jesus Christ as your personal Lord and Savior, you are forgiven for all your sins–past, present, and future. Once you’ve made that step, you are His. You belong to Jesus. This particular preacher claimed that killing yourself was not going to lose you a spot at God’s table in the Kingdom of Heaven.
I know that when I heard this idea I nodded my head in agreement. This message seemed more in keeping with my idea of the Lord God. He may have been a scary and vengeful God in the Old Testament, but Jesus’s ultimate sacrifice resulted in a God who deals more in compassion than in punishment.
What do I think? Honestly, I don’t know. I’m not a theologian. I’m not a Biblical scholar. My walk with Christ is exactly that–a walk. I don’t know precisely where I am on that walk. I know I’m not where I should be, that’s for certain. I know that I have plenty of work to do, and I’m open to communication with God. As for God, I don’t know where He is. It doesn’t feel like He’s open to communication with me.
If Heaven was offered to me, I’d take it. I’m hurting. I’m suffering. Maybe this life that I’m in now is actually Hell.
On the other hand, when I think about the pain I will cause my family, particularly my mother, if I lose my battle with depression, I can see where Hell might be for someone like me. Hell is where selfish people go, right? What kind of a sick maniac offs himself knowing that it could destroy someone he loves?
Even if I got to the pearly gates, and I had a slim chance of receiving the gift of everlasting life, I’d probably mess it up. I’m going there to take up the issue of my wife leaving me with God Himself. Thinking back to my time in the service, and pretty much any job I’ve had, I often rub my betters the wrong way. The kind of pain I’m in now might cause me, once I’m before my Creator, to challenge Him about what transpired here on Earth. I’d probably say something stupid like…
“With all due respect, Sir, what the fuck was that all about?”
