1/12/2012 Thu 0735. Days Without Wife: 96.
Depression has been pretty bad lately. Been thinking about my situation. A little over two months from now, and I will have been in Kauai a year. I think it’s pretty pathetic that I still feel this way.
Sometimes I will get some relief from the depression, and I’ll try to trick myself into living again. I’ll try to motivate myself. I’ll try to take a good, hard look at what has happened, and move forward. I’ll say to myself, “In your adult life, when have you ever given your everything? In the Navy, you didn’t do your best. In college, you didn’t do your best. In marriage, you damn sure didn’t do your best. Every institution you were in was just a place to hang out for awhile and half-ass it. If you really tried 100% to live, you could be awesome. Just fucking do it.”
But I’m broken. It isn’t difficult for me to see that I’m a broken man. Let’s take an inventory, shall we? No money, no career, no skills, no home, no car, no wife…and a decidedly broken way of thinking. A way of thinking that is negative, counter-productive, hopeless. I’m a loser.
It occurred to me that the only time in my whole life that I didn’t feel like a loser was the 4 or 5 years that I was with Molly, and she believed in me. She obviously doesn’t believe in me anymore, and so it is quite hard for me to believe in myself now. She’s a smart woman. She removed me from her life, because that’s what smart people do–they identify and remove negative people from their lives, so that they can flourish and prosper.
I am neither flourishing nor prospering. I have sought help–from drugs, from the VA, from my family, from various churches–and have not found the help that I need. There have even been a few times when I quite literally called out: “Lord Jesus Christ, please help me! God, please help me!” No response.
My marriage is between me, Molly, and God. Molly has no interest in communicating with me. God, it seems, doesn’t either. This is one reason why I consider ending my life–so I can take the issue up with The Man Upstairs. In person.
