1/11/2012 Wed 1320. Days Without Wife: 95
Feeling pretty low today. Thinking about suicide again, which is a waste of time because I’m too much of a coward to go through with it.
Night before last I was having some sort of a dream about Molly, and I woke up desperate for her. I was all panicky and short of breath. I was going to call or text her, but then the reality of the situation sank in and I tried to relax a bit. Mostly just lay there in the dark and cried and thought about the past.
Looks like I made it through the holidays without offing myself. Mom was here for Christmas. She was unhappy when she was here, having to live with Trinity and put up with his bullshit. I had to work NYE and NY day, so I didn’t go out or otherwise do anything special for the New Year.
This would’ve been my third day of massage school, if Carlos hadn’t withdrawn his support. I’m pretty bummed, but I guess it wasn’t meant to be. I thought that the Pacific Center was going to help me change my life.
Down to two jobs now. Carlos fired me from Hanalei Pizza (a second time). I’m guessing he’ll put me back on the schedule once he gets tired of his other employees stealing from him. I’m the only one he can trust in that department.
My sister’s friend Krystal told me she’d get me on the schedule at Big Save if I brought an application in to her. I guess I’m going to be a grocer again. I think the important thing is to stay busy like I’ve been. Idle time is shit. It brings the depression on pretty heavy.
I returned the Volvo to my sister and her family today. I’ve been driving it since August. Looks like I’m back to hitchhiking and taking the bus.
Even though I’ve lost mobility, at least I’m still living indoors. The room I’m renting in Kilauea seems to be working out. My roommate, the guy that owns the house, is some kind of old operator. We haven’t talked about it, but he seems like he may be prior military. Really quiet, though. Hell, I could be annoying the shit outta him, but I wouldn’t know because he stays quiet.
