User

1/26/2012 Thu 1330.  Days Without Wife:  110.

Feeling pretty low today.  Been thinking about wife.  How am I ever going to be able to give my heart to another woman?  What if I never do?  What if I’m alone for the rest of my life?  The prospect terrifies me.  I was a troubled boy who grew into a sad man, and when I look ahead I see a sad old man.  I don’t want to be a sad old man.

Worked the morning shift today at Northshore General.  I was scheduled to work at six, but didn’t get in until 7:15.  I had to hitchhike in from Kilauea, and the Menehune Food Mart is evidently not a great place to hitch at zero-dark-hundred.  I posted myself on the Kuhio Hwy at about 5, and it took almost 2 hours before someone offered me a ride. 

Dad got into town yesterday.  Butterfly, Trey, and myself went down to Lihue to meet him at the airport.  He’s looking good for a man who’s pushing seventy, and has been through what he’s been through.  Of my two parents, he is the one I worry about less, as he eats right and does yoga every day.  I wish Mom took care of herself as well as he does.

Today is my 4th day on the anti-depressant Zoloft.  I finally broke down and allowed Dr. Karen to write me a scrip, when I went to the clinic Monday for my therapy session.  Dr. Karen, Paul, Dad, Uncle Bubba…they’ve all come out in support of my going back on medication.  I had been resisting up until now.  Hopefully it can help me.  I need help.

Hiker

1/20/2012 Fri 1400.  Days Without Wife:  104.

Easton and I completed the Powerline Trail yesterday in 5 hours flat.  That’s a much better time than I was expecting.  Easton was in front most of the time, and his pace was fast, even building to a run at one point.

I was wearing cargo shorts, and Easton was wearing jeans.  I would recommend that one wear long pants when hiking this trail, as it is overgrown.  My legs are looking good today, but yesterday there was a bit of stinging and itching from the high grass and other weeds along the way. 

Hikers of this trail should wear sunscreen.  Much of the trail is in the direct sun, and so the back of my neck is a beet-red today.  Easton was wearing a wife-beater under his pack, which resulted in a pretty respectable sunburn along his shoulders and arms.

When planning a hike on the Powerline Trail, keep in mind that the drier the weather, the better.  We had a beautiful, rain-free day yesterday (Thu), but Kauai had just experienced extensive rainfall on Tuesday, and the Trail was still quite wet in some places.  At certain points, there are large puddles of water (some as big as a swimming pool) on the Trail that force a hiker to go into the high grass to walk around.  Also, much of the Trail runs along tiny ditches or gullies, that are hidden by the tall grasses and thus invisible, at least until Easton or myself would step or fall into one of them.  I fell at least 5 times during the hike, and am thrilled neither of us broke or twisted an ankle.  I would probably not be in favor of walking this trail again, unless it was after at least 3-4 days of little to no rainfall.

Easton’s lady, Jennifer, dropped us off at the southern trailhead in Wailua at around 0840.  I would recommend walking the Trail in this fashion, South-to-North, as the steeper, gnarlier section is in the South.  Easton and I were happy to get the tougher portion finished early in the day, when it wasn’t quite as hot.

At around 1100 we came to some sort of communication tower, which we climbed.  From atop the 40-50 ft ridgetop tower, the view of Kauai is spectacular.  One can pretty much see the entire East side of the island, from Poipu to Hanalei.

All in all, this was a great hike with amazing views, and no other hikers along the way.  I feel like the terrain was such that one would not want to try to do it in the time that we did.  We were going much too fast.  7 or 8 hours is a more appropriate time to hike the Trail, rather than 5.

Whiner

1/18/2012 Wed 1802.  Days Without Wife:  102

Thought I should post today and say I am not killing myself.  There’s no way.  It’d be selfish and wrong.  I’m not doing it.  Even if I wanted to do it I’m too much of a coward to go through with it.

Tried to do it in August, the first time Carlos fired me.  I checked into a Kapaa motel, picked up a large, expensive, “last” meal at Kauai Pasta, bought a 12-pack of MGD & a bottle of Jack D, and then tried to get drunk enough to get the nerve to take myself out with my K-Bar knife in a warm bath.

Couldn’t do it.

Plus, I’ve had some relief lately from the depression.  I think that I first noticed it Sunday night, and then when I woke up Monday morning I found that, yes, I was feeling better.  Praise God!  I give all the glory to Him, because who else can I give it to?  Myself?  Please!  I’m such a whiner.

I suppose everyone sees now what kind of Christian I am.  When things are bad, I complain and rail against God, experiencing painful crises of faith, and when things are good, I speak of glory to His name.  Spiritually, I am immature.  I admit it, though.  That’s better than I can say for some people.

Been trying to contact Carlos to obtain the $1,700 he owes me.  He’s dodging me, of course.  I also found out that he’s been telling other business owners in Ching Young Village that I’m a psycho who he had to fire for threatening to kill one of his other employees.  I mean, sure, that’s pretty much true, but that doesn’t mean he has to tell everyone.  I thought he was my friend.  I’m probably going to be a dishwasher in this area for years to come–these people he’s mouthing off to are my potential employers.

I realized the other day that this spring will bring us to 5 Years Until the Westfield H.S. Class of 1997 reunion.  Pretty depressing.  You know how in the movies, the guy that’s a loser in h.s. ends up doing well, and then the popular kids end up somewhere lame or whatever?  That doesn’t seem to have happened here.  Not that I keep up with other people from the Class too much.  I do feel like I was a loser (loner) in high school and I’m a loser now.

I remember one time in Austin I bumped into Megan Bines and Amanda Suey at Firehouse–I believe it was about 2006.  Megan was nice enough to me but Amanda was the same old bitch.  As far as I know, both of these women have married and Megan at least has had kids.  I think Amanda has some great advertising career, too.  I know she was working at GSD&M for awhile.

Easton and I will be tackling the Powerline Trail tomorrow.  13 miles.  The guidebook says that if the weather is good and one is in good physical shape, one can hike it in 1 day.  I’m pretty stoked about it.

Creator

1/14/2012 Sat 1020.  Days Without Wife:  98

I haven’t put a lot of thought into what’s going to happen to me after I die.  I suppose I should if I’m going to consider suicide as a remedy to my illness.

I believe that the idea that first existed for me was that those who commit suicide go to Hell.  I have no idea where the idea came from.  I don’t know if I heard my mother and/or other adults talking about this belief, or if it’s something that was preached to me, or what.  The notion has for me the vague quality of inherited knowledge, as if genetically passed on.  A memory of a memory.

I’m a Christian.  I’ve been going to Protestant churches, off and on, all my life.  The first church that I remember attending was Zion Presbyterian, in Columbia, TN.  My mother used to take us there.  I was probably 6 or 7 when I was first taken there.

“Suicide leads to damnation.”  Do preachers still preach this?  Did they ever?  I wonder what Matt Cassidy would have to say on the subject.  It would not surprise me if the congregation at Grace Covenant Church was a congregation that believed that those who kill themselves are damned.  That would be consistent w/ the things I saw and heard there.  In all fairness, though, I don’t remember hearing the subject talked about during the brief period I attended worship services and Sunday School classes there.

During high school and then during my 6 years of active duty, I attended church regularly.  It was during this time, I believe, that I heard a sermon dealing with the subject.  I don’t remember who the pastor was, but the guy preached that when you accept Jesus Christ as your personal Lord and Savior, you are forgiven for all your sins–past, present, and future.  Once you’ve made that step, you are His.  You belong to Jesus.  This particular preacher claimed that killing yourself was not going to lose you a spot at God’s table in the Kingdom of Heaven.

I know that when I heard this idea I nodded my head in agreement.  This message seemed more in keeping with my idea of the Lord God.  He may have been a scary and vengeful God in the Old Testament, but Jesus’s ultimate sacrifice resulted in a God who deals more in compassion than in punishment.

What do I think?  Honestly, I don’t know.  I’m not a theologian.  I’m not a Biblical scholar.  My walk with Christ is exactly that–a walk.  I don’t know precisely where I am on that walk.  I know I’m not where I should be, that’s for certain.  I know that I have plenty of work to do, and I’m open to communication with God.  As for God, I don’t know where He is.  It doesn’t feel like He’s open to communication with me.

If Heaven was offered to me, I’d take it.  I’m hurting.  I’m suffering.  Maybe this life that I’m in now is actually Hell.

On the other hand, when I think about the pain I will cause my family, particularly my mother, if I lose my battle with depression, I can see where Hell might be for someone like me.  Hell is where selfish people go, right?  What kind of a sick maniac offs himself knowing that it could destroy someone he loves?

Even if I got to the pearly gates, and I had a slim chance of receiving the gift of everlasting life, I’d probably mess it up.  I’m going there to take up the issue of my wife leaving me with God Himself.  Thinking back to my time in the service, and pretty much any job I’ve had, I often rub my betters the wrong way.  The kind of pain I’m in now might cause me, once I’m before my Creator, to challenge Him about what transpired here on Earth.  I’d probably say something stupid like…

“With all due respect, Sir, what the fuck was that all about?”

Loser

1/12/2012 Thu 0735.  Days Without Wife:  96.

Depression has been pretty bad lately.  Been thinking about my situation.  A little over two months from now, and I will have been in Kauai a year.  I think it’s pretty pathetic that I still feel this way.

Sometimes I will get some relief from the depression, and I’ll try to trick myself into living again.  I’ll try to motivate myself.  I’ll try to take a good, hard look at what has happened, and move forward.  I’ll say to myself, “In your adult life, when have you ever given your everything?  In the Navy, you didn’t do your best.  In college, you didn’t do your best.  In marriage, you damn sure didn’t do your best.  Every institution you were in was just a place to hang out for awhile and half-ass it.  If you really tried 100% to live, you could be awesome.  Just fucking do it.”

But I’m broken.  It isn’t difficult for me to see that I’m a broken man.  Let’s take an inventory, shall we?  No money, no career, no skills, no home, no car, no wife…and a decidedly broken way of thinking.  A way of thinking that is negative, counter-productive, hopeless.  I’m a loser.

It occurred to me that the only time in my whole life that I didn’t feel like a loser was the 4 or 5 years that I was with Molly, and she believed in me.  She obviously doesn’t believe in me anymore, and so it is quite hard for me to believe in myself now.  She’s a smart woman.  She removed me from her life, because that’s what smart people do–they identify and remove negative people from their lives, so that they can flourish and prosper.

I am neither flourishing nor prospering.  I have sought help–from drugs, from the VA, from my family, from various churches–and have not found the help that I need.  There have even been a few times when I quite literally called out:  “Lord Jesus Christ, please help me!  God, please help me!”  No response.

My marriage is between me, Molly, and God.  Molly has no interest in communicating with me.  God, it seems, doesn’t either.  This is one reason why I consider ending my life–so I can take the issue up with The Man Upstairs.  In person.

Dreamer

1/11/2012 Wed 1320.  Days Without Wife:  95

Feeling pretty low today.  Thinking about suicide again, which is a waste of time because I’m too much of a coward to go through with it.

Night before last I was having some sort of a dream about Molly, and I woke up desperate for her.  I was all panicky and short of breath.  I was going to call or text her, but then the reality of the situation sank in and I tried to relax a bit.  Mostly just lay there in the dark and cried and thought about the past.

Looks like I made it through the holidays without offing myself.  Mom was here for Christmas.  She was unhappy when she was here, having to live with Trinity and put up with his bullshit.  I had to work NYE and NY day, so I didn’t go out or otherwise do anything special for the New Year.

This would’ve been my third day of massage school, if Carlos hadn’t withdrawn his support.  I’m pretty bummed, but I guess it wasn’t meant to be.  I thought that the Pacific Center was going to help me change my life.

Down to two jobs now.  Carlos fired me from Hanalei Pizza (a second time).  I’m guessing he’ll put me back on the schedule once he gets tired of his other employees stealing from him.  I’m the only one he can trust in that department.

My sister’s friend Krystal told me she’d get me on the schedule at Big Save if I brought an application in to her.  I guess I’m going to be a grocer again.  I think the important thing is to stay busy like I’ve been.  Idle time is shit.  It brings the depression on pretty heavy.

I returned the Volvo to my sister and her family today.  I’ve been driving it since August.  Looks like I’m back to hitchhiking and taking the bus.

Even though I’ve lost mobility, at least I’m still living indoors.  The room I’m renting in Kilauea seems to be working out.  My roommate, the guy that owns the house, is some kind of old operator.  We haven’t talked about it, but he seems like he may be prior military.  Really quiet, though.  Hell, I could be annoying the shit outta him, but I wouldn’t know because he stays quiet.

Christian

11/25/2011 Friday 1030.  Days Without Wife:  48

Went to my sister’s place yesterday for Thanksgiving.  They had quite a spread.  I was supposed to work at Hanalei Pizza, but Carlos told me not to come in.  He and I had a blowout on Monday, and then when I went in on Wednesday to talk to him, we had another fight.

Looks like massage school is out.  I suppose I should be thankful for the tiff with Carlos.  I had doubts in my ability to make it through the school, and the fight just confirmed my fears.  Fact is, I can’t do it without his support, and it looks like his support his wavering.

What can I say?  I’m an asshole.  I’m stubborn and hard-headed.  I always find a way to fuck up the opportunities that are presented to me.  The way this world works, you have to sell out to be successful.  I suppose I’m too proud to achieve anything like success.

Text from Molly yesterday wishing me a Happy Thanksgiving.  Then when I checked my e-mail on Butterfly’s computer, there were two e-mails from her, sent 3 days ago.  She finally responded to some e-mails I had sent her at the beginning of the month.

Hi Jake,

I apologize that it has taken me a few weeks to respond to your email. Please know that my motivation is not to punish you. Your words in your emails sometimes come across as manipulative and mean spirited and they are hurtful to me. Therefore, it makes it difficult for me to want to communicate with you when that happens. I appreciate that you reached out to me on the phone to apologize for coming across harshly in your email.

I am saddened by the fact that you are requiring me to send you back my engagement ring to you in exchange for signing the divorce waiver. My understanding from our phone conversation was that we agreed to pursue the simplest and cheapest route to dissolve our marriage. I am unclear what your motivation is for wanting the ring back now. Refusal to sign the paperwork I sent you will change our divorce from uncontested to contested by the State of Texas and will require a more complicated and expensive process. I do not wish to fight you or to make this process any more painful.

At this time I prefer to hold onto the ring and not have it used as a bargaining chip in our divorce. It was a gift that you gave to me when we became engaged and I prefer not to give it back to you at this time.

Please let me know if your decision about getting the ring back prior to signing the waiver is still what you are requiring so I know how to proceed.

Thanks,

Molly

She wants to keep the ring.  I’m not surprised.  She’s materialistic and greedy, so I suppose she’d like to sell it and take a trip to Napa with her friends or whatever.  Maybe I’m silly to expect it back.  It’s funny how it took her this long to say it outright, that she’s keeping the ring.  Before, when we had talked about it, she let me think I was getting it back.  And I’m supposed to be the manipulative one!

Hi Jake,

I acknowledge that our relationship ending is extremely painful and hurtful to you. Thank you for acknowledging that it must be painful for me as well, as it has been.

I sincerely thank you for reflecting on the ways that you hurt me and our marriage and for apologizing for specific offenses in this and other letters. I forgive you for the wrongdoings to me and our marriage.

I am glad to hear you are making steps in your life to live differently, that you have set some goals yourself and that you are working hard. I am grateful that you have made friends and have a mentor to walk alongside you during this time.

I encourage you to continue to seek God and to know Him by meditating on His Word. I pray for you daily that God’s forgiveness because of Christ’s death will wash you anew so you may experience true joy and hope as you seek after Him. I pray for your safety and for provision.

Molly

Proverbs 3:5-6

This really disturbs me, when she tries to minister to me or whatever.  She’s done it several times before.  As a Christian, I find it offensive when an obvious hypocrite quotes Scripture or tells me they’re praying for me.  It’s not cool.  I’m trying not to be angry about it.

I’m feeling pretty low today.  I can see what’s happening to me.  I’ve been fighting it for awhile, but this is going to end badly.  I’m just not strong enough.  I’m tired.  I miss my wife.  She broke my heart.

Worker

11/19/2011 Sat 1050.  Days Without Wife:  42

Working my ass off.  I work in three different kitchens.  I haven’t had a day off in quite awhile.  I’m physically exhausted.

I suppose I use all the work to battle the depression.  I continue to go through the grieving process about losing my wife.

I’ll be moving into a room in Kilauea on Tuesday the 22nd.  It’s in a house over on Momi Rd.  It’s $650/month, utilities included.  It’ll be good to get out of the work-trade situation I’m in on Stella’s property.  I figure if I’m gonna work 60 hours a week, I should have a hot shower and a mosquito-free place to lay down when I’m re-charging for the next workday. 

It’s bittersweet to finally be moving indoors.  $650 a month.  It’s ironic.  Now that I’m back in the working world, I’ll be paying about the same to rent as I did for my mortgage.  If I had only managed to get better before, I could have held on to my condo and possibly even my marriage.  Now I have to start all over.

I’ve learned that you can never safely take a break from life because of an illness.  If you don’t stay on top of your finances/relationship/etc at all times, you can and will lose them. 

Living requires so much strength.  I wonder if I’m strong enough.  Still thinking about suicide quite a bit, but I try to tell myself the worst of it is over.  I don’t know if that’s true.

Supposed to be starting massage school in January.  I’ve got to get more money from Carlos to give to the Pacific Center.  I wonder if I’m gonna be able to do this.  Somehow I have to fit all the working shifts I do now in 7 days into 4.  Class is 3 days a week, Mon-Wed.

Fake

10/19/2011 Wed 1246.  Days Without Wife:  11

Sitting at the kitchen table at my sister’s jungle shack in Wainiha.  Butterfly & her friend Mandy are outside bathing their toddlers.

“Oh, Trey, your hair is so beautiful!” my sister exclaims.

I’m so proud of my sister.  She is a working mom, respected among her peers.  When I see her with other mothers, I realize that she has grown into a leader among them.  Today she is spending time with a friend who lives at the beach park.  Mandy has two boys–a toddler and an infant.  My sister is taking the opportunity to let the two toddlers play together, and Mandy is taking the opportunity to do some laundry in my sister’s washer.

10/21/2011 Friday 1359.  Days Without Wife:  13

Just got off the phone w/Molly.  Told her I may be in TX in November, and wanted to know if she’d meet me for dinner if I made it to Austin.  She said she’d think about it, in short.  I told her I’d take that as a ‘no’ unless she told me different.  I was considering donating a kidney to a stranger on matchingdonors.com to get a plane ticket back.  Carlos hates the idea.  So does my sister.  And I’m sure my therapist, Dad, Mom, and most anybody would hate the idea as well.  But, looks like she wouldn’t even be willing to meet w/me, so it probably won’t happen.

I asked her if she’d thought anymore about the last conversation we had on the phone.  She said she had, and that she’s moving forward w/the divorce.  I figured she’d say that.  It still hurts quite badly to hear, though.

I was actually in a pretty decent mood today, but after talking w/her I’m a wreck.  Suicidal thoughts creeping back in, even though I know they do me no good.  It’s amazing how I still long for death, knowing what I know:

1) Killing myself would cause intense pain for my mother.  The pain she would feel as a result of my death would undoubtedly be worse than the grief I feel about my dead marriage.  I wouldn’t wish that level of pain on my worst enemy, much less someone who has always loved me and been there for me.

2) Molly is not a good person.  I made a mistake when I gave my heart to her, because I was committing to someone who was not in it for the long haul.  Just because I, personally, was willing to stick by her through thick & thin, in sickness and health, for better or worse, does not mean she had the same commitment to our marriage.  It’s not fair, but nobody ever said life was fair.

3) Life is about loss.  Perhaps the only reason I made it this far, to the age of 32, is because I never experienced a great loss.  I’ve never had someone I was real close to die on me.  And this divorce is as bad as losing a loved one in many ways.  I am losing a loved one, after all.  I’m losing my wife.

4) There were times when I was married when I was unhappy.  I remember saying, “God forbid Molly and I ever split, but if we do I’ll never marry again.”  Those are not the words of a happily married man.  Perhaps now I am underestimating how shitty our marriage was.

My God, but it hurts.  I was such a fool, to think that love meant something.  I know now that romantic love is fleeting.  It is a lie, based on hormones, chemicals, atmosphere, dreams.

I feel so lonely.  I worry that I’ll be alone forever.  About the only thing that could exorcise these demons would be to find someone better than Molly, and get her to love me.  That’s a tall order.

It wouldn’t be a tall order to find a woman w/more integrity than Molly.  Molly has no integrity.

It wouldn’t be a tall order to find someone who was willing to be more committed than Molly.  Molly was only willing to give our marriage a year-and-a-half.

It wouldn’t be a tall order to find someone who is more of a Christian than Molly.  Her behavior demonstrates how many who call themselves followers of Christ are anything but.  Instead of loving and encouraging a sick husband, she offered only criticism and harsh words.  She viewed my pathetic attempts to get well and hold a job with contempt.  No, for all her posturing, Molly is not a follower of Christ.  She’s a fake.  And I would stand on Robin Weaver’s coffee table and say so.

Drunk

10/18/2011 Tuesday 1230.  Days Without Wife:  10

In Lihue today for my appointments at the VA clinic.  I met with my doctor, Karen, and then I attended Paul’s drug/alcohol group.

Today, Paul mentioned a tool that he and others have had some success with.  It’s called a Gratitude List.  He said that sometimes it can help one’s attitude to grab a piece of scratch paper and scrawl down a list of things one is grateful for.  I could sure use a pick-me-up, and so here are some things I’m thankful for:

1) A sister that is there for me.

2) A mother who loves me unconditionally.

3) A father who is willing to listen.

4) A brother who is without malice in his heart.

5) An Uncle Bubba, who has been where I’ve been.

6) A boss, Carlos, who encourages me to train for a new career.

7) Another boss, Chef Joey, who appreciates the hard work that I do in the dish pit.

8) A best friend, Johnson, that I know I can count on.

9) My therapist, Dr. Karen, whose very job is to help me.  She is a professional who takes her work seriously.

10) Paul, an ex-drunk who wants to help the rest of us drunks.

11) Clothing to wear.

12) Shelter to keep the rain off of me.

13) Food to eat.

14) Work that pays.  I work the dish pit and expo station at Oasis on the Beach in Kapaa.

15) Hanalei Pizza–a labor of love.

16) Another job opportunity.  I worked my first shift in the kitchen at Northshore General Store this past Saturday.

17) Hope.

18) Relief from my depression.

19) My walk with Christ.

20) The island of Kauai, where God’s beauty is abundant.

21) Intensity.

22) Intelligience.

23) Potential.

24) Love.  I’m sorry, but I have to believe it still exists.